Diagnosis

The night I got my diagnosis, we went out for Mexican. It was hands down the worst restaurant food ever. This margarita was the only acceptable part of the meal.

The time that passes between a biopsy and diagnosis might as well be years. That's how it felt. 

In reality? Everything happened about 1 week apart:
Week 1 - felt a lump
Week 2- saw my PCP
Week 3 - first mammogram and ultrasound
Week 4 - biopsy
Week 5 - 

The day after my biopsy, I told only one person aside from my husband--my intern. I was holding a packet meeting for the literary magazine I run, and I needed my intern to help move the tables and chairs around since I was told not to lift things. Also, my skin was not happy with the steri strips they used on the biopsy site and the blisters were killing me. That same weekend I went to a bachelorette party for a friend who was a recent breast cancer survivor. Of all the people in the world, she would be the one to most understand the anxiety I was feeling while waiting for the results. But it was her bachelorette party, and I didn't want her to worry, so I slapped some extra bandages over the irritated skin and tried not to look too awkward holding my arm away from my armpit to prevent the rubbing.

I was at work when I got the phone call. Another normal day teaching college writing and trying not to think about the fact that I might have cancer. I was sitting in my office when the call came in, but since I share the office with another instructor, as soon as I answered and heard who it was, I stepped across the hall into the empty conference room to take it.

Hi Katherine, this is Dr. Englander from Penn Medicine. Is this a good time to talk?
Your test results came in and it is IDC breast cancer.

The exact conversation is a blur, but I remember confusing IDC with DCIS, which is a pre-cancer stage 0. I breathed a huge sigh of relief and said, "IDC, so it's pre-cancer, right?"

No, unfortunately it IS cancer. Invasive Ductal Carcinoma...

My heart was pounding and I tried not to cry knowing anyone could walk in or by the conference room at any moment--colleagues or a student of mine. I think I asked a few questions, he said the full details would be sent to me through my online portal, and that I should make an appointment with a breast surgeon. I asked who he would recommend, either at Penn or another nearby hospital I was considering, and I used a red dry erase marker to scrawl the names on the whiteboard next to me since I had nothing else to write on. As soon as I hung up, I took a photo of the info on the board, erased it, and went back to my desk to pretend nothing happened.
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I was diagnosed on 10/24/18 with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma in the left breast. At clinical staging, the mass was between 2.5 and 3cm, grade 2, with ER+/PR+ HER2- hormone receptors, and 1 confirmed positive lymph node. 

I held it together until I got home, including talking to my husband briefly on the phone that afternoon. I didn't want to tell him over the phone. Maybe I didn't want to believe it yet.

When I got home and walked in the door, he knew right away. He asked if I'd heard from the doctor yet and as I nodded, the tears came. And then the year-long journey began.
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